Clinging

This year the holidays have been a bit tumultuous for me--to say the least. For too many reasons that I care to spill out to the entire internet world, I have found myself in one heartbreak after another. I am trying to be positive, I am trying to remember THE REASON for the season. I did manage to decorate and I did manage to put out my nativity scene. I even made a nice garland decoration to hang over my door. Yet, I've been doing nothing more than just going through the motions.

Thanksgiving is my absolute FAVORITE holiday, but this year, if ONE MORE PERSON would have asked me "So did you have a nice Thanksgiving?!" In that sweet syrup dripping voice I would have ripped their tongues out through their esophagus! See...just going through the motions.

But I do want to remember this holiday. I want to remember that my sister and her kids were with us at our Thanksgiving table. I want to remember that Jordan got so tickled that I thought he was going to cry a river. I want to remember that my boys loved beating my sister on the Wii. I want to remember that we loved going to see the great Mega Brain movie. So many good memories, but the bad ones are the ones lingering on the surface. I find myself having to dig through those to get to the good ones, and by the time I've done that I'm too heart heavy to care.

This week though, God reminded me that He is still very much in control. That He still loves me, and that He loves me more than any one person could ever love me. I saw His love in the sweet gift from a friend's family. It was a scented wax warmer, and I have used it EVERY day since I received it, and it has filled my home with the fragrance of His love. I was reminded of His care by my dear church brothers who refused to leave me to myself when I had a blow out--even though it was cold and Chris was on his way to fix it. God whispered his deep abiding affection for me when a young lady that I used to mentor came back to mentor to me and my most secret hurts. He then showed me His love again, when another friend was able to get me a great deal on some MP3 players for my niece and nephew. And even in the middle of all the bad stuff He tells me He loves me. That same MP3 player has to be loaded from my computer for my nephew because my sister doesn't have a computer. But last night we blew a breaker and it blew the power source to our computer. All of my music is on my computer. I went to bed thinking I had bought a useless, non-returnable piece of junk for my nephew's birthday. But God took care of it, and by the time I got home from work today, it was fixed. Without having to leave Noah as a payment for the services!! This week has made me look back on other dark weeks in my life. While I really haven't faced anything as mountainous as this, I have had other dark times.

And I see where God provided. Where He carried me out. And it was a strengthener, a reminder of how He's never left me. When Jacob ran away and wrestled with God (Genesis 28), he woke up the next morning and created an altar so that all who came after him would be reminded of God's faithfulness and worship Him. My memories were my altar. And I realized I needed to worship Him. I don't know where this road is taking me; I can't see beyond the curve ahead, but I can see the path behind me, and I can see the sustenance of God back there. So more than anything I have to believe, I have to cling to the truth, that if He provided for me in the past He will continue to do so today.

Thank you Father for never letting go.