Is that my fate?

Have you ever had one of those days? I don't mean a kind of day where nothing goes right, but rather a day where nothing is really wrong but you still have the blahs? Well that is the kind of day I have had. It didn't start that way...my morning with the boys went rather smoothly. And I even had the energy to work out! I hate working out, but afterwards, I feel energized and happy--must have to do with those crazy things called endorphins. I used to think that those were made up just so the exercise industry could sell more equipment.

So after I worked out I decided a salad was my best bet--after all I did not want all of that hard work to go to waste. So I called Chris and made sure he wasn't too busy and Noah and I joined him for lunch. Well, really he picked up the bill as he can't quite sit down to join us when he is running a shift. Can you imagine working around food all day and not being able to sit down and enjoy it? THAT is torture in the highest form. But lunch was good. I had the quesadilla explosion salad--which I highly recommend. And then my afternoon consisted of sorting and washing clothes. Maybe that is where it started, everyone knows how I hate laundry ;-). Honestly though I was okay with tackling the wash. What set me in a foul mood I believe is what happened when I picked the boys up from school.

Long story short, yesterday someone hid Mark's back pack from him and we spent 30 minutes after school looking for it. When it was found the teachers assured me they would investigate and find out who did this. So when I picked him up I asked him if he knew who hid his backpack ( I am sure that the person(s) thought they were just playing a joke, but it wasn't funny). He said no his teacher did not ask the class anything about it. Mark is a child that as bright as he is, has a low social self-esteem. He doesn't want to do anything that will make him "hated". So he did not push the issue. I, on the other hand feel that the culprit should not be allowed to pick on him in such a manner. The back pack was hidden under a teacher's cabinet, so Mark would have never invaded that teacher's private space to look for it. If the assistant principal would not have stepped in we would still be missing a back pack. So anyway, that started my blahs. I told Mark that if he did not stand up for himself it did not matter how much I was at that school. No one would learn to respect him--they'd simply fear having me up there. And believe me I have NO fear of being up there. See how momma hen is so fitting? But I have been allowing that to fester and brew all afternoon.

But I think the reason why it bothers me so much is because he is like me. There is a poem that says children learn what they live. So I am confessing something very intimate and raw. I am a people pleaser, and I am a people pleaser because I feel so inadequate at all I do. I feel like if I can just do what the other person REALLY wants then they will like me and no one will ever notice my inadequacies. I am afraid that if people really see me for who I am they will find me dull and lacking. Lacking in what? You ask. Lacking in everything--like my opinion/knowledge is not valid. So while I REFUSE to let anyone make my son feel that way I have taught him how to walk with such a burden, because I allow him to see me cower down to others. I will do something I really don't want to do simply to keep anyone from not liking me. I know...that's awful. And God did not create me that way. But I have allowed Satan to use painful experiences from childhood to burn that very thought into the back--no I can't say back because it is ALWAYS there--of my mind. I know Satan is a liar, but parents (and adults in authority), if you're reading this, believe that your words will forever be carried by your children. I will leave you with this: Matthew 12:37 NLT "Your words now reflect your fate then; either you will be justified by them or condemned by them." I believe they will also affect the fate of your children. Which words have you spoken today?