Walking through the Valley

Boy what a difference a week makes. We found out that we will not be moving into our first home like I wrote about last week. While the home is still ours technically, we found out that is considered to be in a flood zone. And not only is it in a flood zone, but the property is not elevated--it is one foot below sea level. Therefore, in order to protect it, the lender insists that we get flood insurance for 1% of the value. In the life of our loan we would literally be paying almost as much as the purchase price of the home simply for flood insurance ($60,000.00). The lender told us that it is common for sellers to "hide" or forget to disclose that until you have signed on the dotted line and then it is no longer their problem. And our realtor has said that after 6 1/2 years in the business this is the FIRST time she has ever encountered such a monumental cost for flood insurance. So while I can say thank God we found out BEFORE we closed, the other part of me is so sad. I am sad for the dreams I had for that home, I am sad for the boys who were already making plans in that home. If for no other reason than to protect the boys, I do not want to go through this again.



I have family members mad at me right now. If I have heard it once, I have heard it a DOZEN times...'well it happened for a reason'. Yes, yes, you are all right, but right now that is not what I want to hear. Right now I don't want to talk about the GREAT house waiting somewhere else for me. I simply want to be quiet and take it in all in my own time/way. I am not mentally incapable of recalling God's promises. I am not blind to all the good things He has provided for us, and as hard as it is for my flesh, I am trusting Him to give me something more. He knows this is my hearts desire. To be able to paint walls the color I want, to be able to spread out in my kitchen and cook a gourmet meal (even though Chris would probably be the one cooking the gourmet meals--mine are pretty simple), to be able to enjoy the sight of my children playing in the living room without worrying that I will trip over them on my way through. That is what I want. That is what I have envisioned all week long. I have set my heart on it--now (even if only for a brief period) that is gone again.



I love you all. But please understand that my hurt is not towards you, my pain is not something you can fix. I don't want you to fix it. I want you to simply be my friend/sister/mother/grandmother/aunt/cousin. You can help me most not by asking me to talk about it, but instead talking to me about other things. Help me get my focus off of this. I don't want to dwell on it. Every time I do, it just brings back to memory the look of disappointment in my children's eyes, the look of fear in my husbands (yep, he was pretty afraid I was going to go psycho on him), and it brings back the deep sense of loss I experienced in my own heart. Please be patient with me. Don't shut me out because I do not grieve the way you do, or the way you would like me too. I need you right now. Pray for me, that God would give me peace, and understanding. That He would lead us to a home perfect for us. I told Chris that I do not want to look anymore. He can take that job on. Just let me know when it is time to move. Maybe that will change, but right now I DON'T want to look. I told one friend the old saying is "don't count your chickens before they hatch" well in real estate the saying is "don't pack your boxes until you close." So more than anything, if you want to reach out, reach out in prayer. I don't mind you saying you prayed for me--that is encouragement I so desperately need. And I will love you so deeply for helping me through this in my own way.