Lonely...

"I am so lonely don't have nobody to ca-hall my ooowwwwn." The day finally came when I had to let my little ones go. Noah off to kinder and Mark off to middle school.

Where did the years go? I remember just yesterday being a new mommy and bringing home our first baby. I thought that if the hospital really knew how young I was or how inexperienced I was they would certainly call CPS on me--if for no other reason than to simply monitor me. But that never happened and now I have a sixth grader. WOW! I still feel so young in the scheme of things, but then I look at my first baby and realize that life has handed me a bucket full of age. Together we have grown. Some days he has much more maturity than I do--then the rest of the time it is I who has to be grown up. I wish it would last that way forever. Me being the one who has to make the decisions, he being the one who was still innocent and pure still unblemished by the marks of the world. Yet I know that he too must face those challenges, must conquer those fears. I only hope that as a parent I have done enough (do enough) to help him be successful without ever taking his opportunities for glory away from him. I asked Mark if he was nervous today. My child who has never met a stranger, who loves to gab, who finds humor in almost every situation. And you know what he said--"yes". It was a that very moment that I wanted to take him and run for the border. Isolate him from all the disappointments that sometimes are inevitable. But, because I can't do that (and I am not smart enough to home school) I was brave for him and told him he would do great. I asked him if he wanted me to walk him in (or at least to the door) on the first day. He said no I did not have to do that. So I said "Well can I at least take your picture?" Sure he said. So I stepped out of the van and took his picture as he sat on the bench. From there I said my good-byes and waved him off. He carried his schedule and a map of the school in his hands. When did he grow up?

Then there's my baby...the serendipitous surprise. Noah left me today for the first time in his little five and a half years. We got out of the van and I walked behind, so he started out holding Chris' hand. From there I watched as my baby and his daddy walked hand in hand towards the inevitable. Just when I thought he did not need me today after all, we were now standing in front of the building. That is when Noah turned and grabbed my hand. Now he wanted mommy. And I did not object. So together we walked Matthew to his class...just like we did last year. Only this time I would not be bringing Noah home with me. And of course Matthew who I always worry about did GREAT today. He was eager to start. But then I had to turn down the hallway and leave my baby in someone else's care. That was the longest and shortest walk of my life. Yet we went to the hooks and he found an empty one like a pro. He hung his backpack and lunchbox and sat on a square "reading" a book. Other kids were crying but not my Noah. He was so brave--he was just scratching. It's now only 10 A.M., and I miss him like crazy. We have had the luxury of five uninterrupted years together. He was my shadow--my right hand little man. Now life had moved him on to the next stage and left me here to watch from behind.

And as I stay behind I pray that I have done enough to help him (all of my beautiful gifts) reach the next stage of life successfully. Today it was kindergarten and middle school. Tomorrow it will be High school and College. Then I won't even be able to walk them to the benches in their lives. But maybe, just maybe, they will occasionally come back to them. Where together we can sit and remember.