Feeble Attempts

Have there ever been times when you remember hearing the call of God so clearly in your life that it was unmistakable? Maybe it was an altar call, maybe it was a long awaited answer to a prayer--whatever it was you knew. And in knowing you felt at peace.

I know God assigns our spiritual gifts, and I remember my grandma being a prayer warrior, but I don't think spiritual gifts are passed down like hair color or temperament. But Grandma was always the last one to eat, after she had served everyone else. And when she finally sat down to eat she would not take a bite until she had gone before the throne. I often wondered how her food could even taste good by the time she finished--surely it must be cold. But now I realize that her tears flavored her food better than any other seasoning imaginable.

I remember several years ago I went to a bible study. The speaker was ministering afterwards. So I went up to receive prayer. Instead I received admonition. She told me I need to be in the word more. She said I had the gift of intercession, and people would be need my prayers and I could not be effective in that if I was not in the word. I really walked away thinking this woman was possessed. I was NOT my grandma--I DID NOT have the gift of prayer. I came because I NEEDED prayer!

But as I am getting older I realize more when God leads me into prayer. There are nights when I will wake up and toss and turn for hours, wondering why it is I can't sleep. Was it the banana nut ice cream I had? Or the glass of tea? Did I take my diuretic containing blood pressure pill too close to bedtime? Did I forget to pay a bill? Then I hear the Lord, He will ever so gently bring to mind the name of a person who He wants me to pray for. It's amazing that I can wallow in sleeplessness for HOURS, but after praying earnestly for whoever it is God lays on my heart I can fall asleep. And I can sleep like a baby.

I still struggle with this gift. Because I struggle I wonder if it truly is a gift. I mean it sounds so self absorbed to say that God lays someone on my heart for prayer. After all He doesn't really need my prayers. He is God. All He has to do is think and the matter is resolved. And besides that, there are things I have prayed for that I don't think I will ever see come to pass in this lifetime. So. If this is a gift, then does that make me ineffective at it? And I often give up, because I am human, on that family member who walks blindly, on that person who throws away their potential, on that relationship that drifts apart, on the that heart who remains hardened. So how is it that this is a gift? Besides, if it was a gift wouldn't I have a testimonial in my own life of all the ways God has answered prayers? Wouldn't I be able to make an infomercial for intercession? "Look at all you too can have, and all you have to do is spend a few hours a week in prayer."Was that woman of the word spot on, or was she drinking a bit too much communion wine all those years ago when she proclaimed intercession as one of my gifts?

I like saying that encouragement is one of my gifts. I LOVE to encourage. I like saying compassion is one of my gifts, I can sympathize with someone without speaking a word. I like thinking administration is one of my gifts. I LOVE to have things organized and planned and detailed. But prayer...I struggle with. I would love for my children's children to remember me in the way I remember my grandma. She breathed her faith. And even in her last days when her illness had so far progressed that she could not remember many people I have to believe that the Lord was holding this child of His and soothing her only like a loving parent could.

WOW. That's not me. I don't season every word with salt, I let the sun go down on my anger, I refuse to submit to my husband, and I frustrate my kids. PLUS, I give up WAAAY too early on my personal prayers. The gift of prayer belongs with people more pure at heart. Jesus, my grandma, my friend Dina. People who don't get tripped up by their own daily walk so much.

But, I had a youth pastor say that prayer and faith were muscles that needed to be stretched to be effective in a believer's life. So I guess when I struggle with the weight of my prayers I should trust God. Trust that He is answering my prayers, not because of who I am, but because of who He is.

And like a child who brings a scribbled piece of paper to his mommy and says "I made this flower for you." I pray above all else that when I get to heaven God will look at my attempts at prayer and say, "Oh baby girl, thank you! It's the most beautiful bouquet I've ever seen."